Tallahassee IV

Another nightmare, another night I wish I didn’t give into sleep.

I always wake up the same; covered in sweat, panicking, and even crying oftentimes. But the way I fall asleep is always different. Sometimes I’m relaxed, trying to downplay the aches in my limbs with the soft bed. Sometimes I’m deep in thought, trying to figure out everything in my life. But no matter my mental state, no matter how I feel, I’m never prepared to fall into slumber.

I don’t like letting conscious thought go.

And then I appear in those images from the past. The images overtake my mind and wrap around me, pushing me back into the past horrors that define me as a person today. I can’t outrun them, I can’t outsmart them, they will be there forever and ever and I will never escape.

The inability to escape isn’t even the worst part. It’s the part where I have to relive these scenes over and over again. And there’s always something new that upsets me in them. There’s always something that fucks me over mentally. Something that causes me to wake up screaming, and grasping, at the air above my bed. I’m breathless and drowning and god this will never end will it.

This night was no different than the usual. This time, the memory starts off at a convenience store. We’re at the counter, buying a magazine, a few sodas, and a six pack of beer. As we exit the store, I remember letting go of her hand… that touch fading away…

The sun beat down on us, but it felt great outside. You know, I love summer. It’s always reminded me of the days I spent with her.

You know, I just realized this, but despite all of the Summer things we did together, we never did go to a fireworks show.

And then I pull out of the parking lot and drive us towards our deaths; the death of my soul, and her complete demise. I wish I could have held to her hand one more time, without blood staining both of our hands, without her hand being completely cold.

The sun beat down on us, but it felt great outside. I love summer. It’s always reminded me of the days I spent with her.

You know, I just realized this, but despite all of the Summer things we did together, we never did go to a fireworks show.

And then I pull out of the parking lot and drive us towards our deaths; the death of my soul, and her complete demise. I wish I could have held to her hand one more time, without blood staining both of our hands, without her hand being completely cold.